Meditation from the Head of School
“The happiest, most successful children have parents who do not do for them what they are capable of doing, or almost capable of doing; and their parents do not do things for them that satisfy their own needs rather than the needs of the child.” Madeline Levine, “Raising Successful Children”
New York Times Op-Ed, August 5, 2012
This Op-Ed quoted above is the most emailed piece in the history of the New York Times—quite a distinction for an essay on childrearing. Why is that? Because in the complex world our children confront parents are often uncertain of how to prepare them to succeed. Through considerable effort on the part of Head of School Mary Riser and parent enthusiasts, Dr. Levine spoke at James River Day School October 16. NVS 6th through 8th graders were able to work with Dr. Levine in the morning during an hour-long session where she asked them and their peers from JRDS to explore the question of what constitutes success.
Dr. Levine’s findings from her vast experience speaking around the country and internationally were replicated by the students that morning. Few adults became successful on a “straight trajectory” without considerable stumbling blocks and downright failures in their paths. Only one to nine percent of successful adults arrive at success in a straight line, without pitfalls. Ten to 99% of successful people follow a “squiggly” path, with many starts, stops, changes, and wrong turns. Too often, however, as parents we want to prevent our children form dealing with adversity. This inclination to “helicopter” in and prevent the child from grappling with logical consequences for mistakes and missteps can create an unrealistic approach to problem solving and actually interfere with the pursuit of life’s worthy goals.
What traits are important to lifelong success and personal satisfaction, according to Dr. Levine?
· The ability to learn from mistakes, to see (and expect) cause/effect;
· A sense of “healthy” risk-taking;
· Resilience;
· A growing sense of personal responsibility;
· Knowing what you like—developed from a willingness to try new things;
· The ability to delay gratification (the most important predictor for success).
Dr. Levine encourages parents to make room for their children to explore, challenge, try, and experience “space” in order to fill it with imagination and creativity. She stressed that PDF is essential: “play time, down time, family time.” Too often children are overstructured, striving for excellence in every arena, without the time to explore and develop those interpersonal “soft skills” for socioemotional balance in relationships and the workplace.
She emphasized the value of free play, unstructured time with peers to learn how to make friends without adults orchestrating the activity. In elementary school children need to “learn how to be friends.” The Junior High goal is “identity.” High Schoolers need to continue to craft that identity and begin to understand “intimacy.”
She encourages parents to teach children how to self-advocate and to find a “fit” based on growing self-knowledge. She concluded by saying that when parents tell her “I can’t stand to see my child unhappy,” she responds by telling them that “You’re in the wrong job—in order to develop, children need doses of how to deal with difficulty and distress.”
For further exploration, read Dr. Levine’s book Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More than Grades, Trophies, or ‘Fat Envelopes.’
